There’s a last time for everything

The last time I saw my mom, she was standing by her apartment door, smiling and waving goodbye to me.
As always, I hurried off, telling her I loved her and that I would see her again soon.
Two days later, she was gone.
I wonder how different the past year would have been, had I known it was the last one I was going to have with her. Would I have made more of an effort to visit her every night? Would I have taken more pictures of her, or had more meaningful conversations? Would I have hovered over her, to the point where everything else in my life ceased to matter? Would I have hurried off?
Humans tend to take everything for granted. We can’t fathom that something we cherish could just disappear one day, or end without any kind of warning.
Final moments don’t usually come with little signs, and maybe that’s for the best.
I don’t think our relationships and our experiences would be as authentic if everything we did was with the knowledge that this would be the last time.
We would likely put off our best efforts until we knew the end was near, without investing in each moment, and living in the present the way we should.
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If only we had known, we say, we would have valued it more. But imagine how unnatural we’d act if we did know? Imagine the fear and panic of trying to squeeze in as much living as we could before the clock stopped ticking?
And would it ever be enough?
People with terminal illnesses have more of a sense of “lasts” than the rest of us. Many of them say that knowing the end is near is a gift, because they have a chance to make amends and say their goodbyes. But if they had a chance to trade their prognosis for blissful, human ignorance of mortality, I’m guessing most of them would take it.
We always want more time, and we always think we have it. The irony is, the people we love the most are the ones we take the most for granted. Maybe because the possibility of losing them is too painful for us to accept. As much as I’d love another chance with my mom, I wonder how long it would take me to slip back into my old ways, where I didn’t hang on to her every word and gesture? Would I start to take her for granted again?
We juggle so many things, but maybe one way to prepare for the “lasts” is to find better ways to cherish the “now”. Conversations we avoid, visits we put off, feelings we don’t express – we’ve got the “lasts” covered if we at least take care of those things. There are so many things we can’t control, but there are still a few that we can.
Try to cherish each moment, and then forgive yourself for thinking there would always be more.